Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."
The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."
The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."
The brunette cut in "You cant use Jack Daniels. Thats a hard liquor."
A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"
Boy: Damn I'm so s*xy. (**Looking in Mirror**)
Dad: Son, what are you doing?
Boy: Dad how does it feel to have such a wonderful and good looking son?
Dad: I don't know to be honest, you should ask your Grandfather...
Whoever let women in the army, I salute you.
Women on their period, with a gun...
Unstoppable!
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral s*x on a woman the morning after s*x?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Mum notices her sons bed has been made without her asking..Mum finds note on boys bed:
Mum im sorry, i have left home. I know im only 15 but my girlfriend is pregante and im going to live with her, you were never supportive and that really hurts me. dont bother looking for me, u wont find me. im sorry it has to be like this, but i dont see any other way.
P.S: MUM IM JOKING, I WAGGED SCHOOL TODAY AND I GOT BUSTED. IM AT AIDIANS. CALL ME WHEN U HAVE CALMED DOWN. xx
Okay, so this c*nt comes at me like "WTF MATE" and im all in his GRILL like "WAT KENT" and his all like "F*CKIN WAT" and now im in hospital -.-
awkard moment you broke something then tried to hide it from your mum. She finds it the next day and says "what is this?" you automaticaly say "i dont know....."
What is long, hard and full of seamen.....
It's not what you think, honestly!
IT'S A SUBMARINE!!
That awesome moment when the teacher asks you a question, thinking you wasn't paying attention. Then you answer it right, it's like What now! B**tch!
Dear Heart,
Please stop getting involved in everything, your job is to pump blood... That's it!
Sincerely
Every Boy and Girl In Love...
That little smile after a kiss :')
RIP to the guy who died doing one of the best sports ever..... planking
Explanation Of Winnie The Pooh Characters:
Tiger: Ok that's understandable, he has a tiger print across his skin, maybe he is a tiger.
Eeyore: Ok thats reasonable, donkeys go "Eeyore", so Eeyore must be a donkey.
Piglett: This one is fine, pigletts are baby/small pigs. Piglett is a small pig, so he must be a Piglett.
Winnie The Pooh: Ok I'm lost in this one, WTF is a Pooh?
When I text someone and someone is looking at my phone, I always like to type "...and some retard keeps reading our plans, shall I take them out?"...
* 1:00 a.m. * Get up, walk calmly to the bathroom, pee, look in the mirror quickly to make sure there's no masked killer behind you, turn off the lights, run as fast as you can from the bathroom back into your bedroom and jump 2 feet in the air and land on the bed, pull the covers up to your chin and glance around the room to make sure you didn't leave any more killers behind you on your expedition back, relax and nuzzle back into your pillow. * 17 seconds later you hear a noise * jump up quickly and realize its the air conditioning coming on and think " man! those ninja's just wont give up tonight.. "
I piss you off because I love you
Justin Bieber is a girl? His voice has now broken.
Justin Bieber is gay? He is with Selena Gomez.
Justin Bieber is a crap singer? Justin Timberlake and Usher fought over him, and all the big names want to collab with him.
Justin Bieber sucks? He has his own movie.
Stop being jealous trolls and learn to appreciate that some people are a lot more talented than you, he just followed his dream. How would you like it if you got hated on for no reason?
Like this page if you respect Justin Bieber.
Dude, she called yo... "I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE CALLED ME!" No seriously she called you. *shows phone* see? two missed calls... "......."
Dear Mom & Dad,
Please stop saying "Don't play with your food!"
You spent the first two years of my life convincing me that it was a plane...
I'm Proud 2 say: I Don"t Smoke
"You're short! " ... "I'm aware."
Me: Mom the phones ringing!
Mom: Answer is and if it's for me, tell them that I've gone out.
Me: Where shall I say?
Mom: Anywhere...
****Answers Phone****
Me: Hello, Oh hi nah she's not here at the moment, she's gone to a strip club...
Mom: -_-
This blonde went to the pizza place and ordered a pizza. The pizza guy asked her if she wanted it cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Oh, six,” she said. “I could never eat twelve pieces.”
A blonde girl is swearing and smashing up her flat.
She calls her boyfriend, "plz babe come home i cant do this f*ckin' puzzle". He asks "Well what's the picture on the puzzles box, that's usually what it should look like?". "A tiger", she says.
Later sitting down he sighs and says to her as she stares at the table, "listen babe, firstly i'm gonna make you a nice hot cuppa tea, secondly you're gonna calm down and thirdly you're gonna put all the kellogs frosties back in the the box."
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.