Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
This is the 20th time I've had to pause my music. PLEASE stop talking.
Me: Man your party was the best I've been to so far...
Friend: You were drunk again, and for some stupid reason you phoned the police and complained about how loud the music was...
Me: Oh... that wasn't that bad...
Friend: What!? You then grabbed my bird out of his cage and threw it at the cops shouting "Go angry bird, you get them pigs..."
When you have a cold drink with ice in it and you put some ice in your mouth and start crunching away, then people are like "What you eating?" and you reply "Ice kooob"
Dear iTunes,
Please understand that when I put my music on shuffle, what I really mean is "Play all my favourite songs".
Sincerely,
Skip.... Skip... Skip...
Relationships are like yard sales.........
....... They look good from far, but once your in one it's just full of sh*t that you don't need.....
Imagine waking up.... as a baby, and your whole life was just a dream.
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school
*Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story
*Robot slaps son again*
SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!
*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.
*Robot slaps mom*
The Good: You Have A Girlfriend
*************************************
The Bad: She Has A D*ck
*****************************
The Ugly: It's bigger than yours....
**************************************
I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees.
That mini heart attack when your walking down some stairs and your foot slips on a step, then you attack the hand rail with your kung fu death grip.
"Let's eat Grandma" or "Let's eat, Grandma" - Punctuation saves lives.
"I like your accent!" "What accent?" That accent!" "I have an accent?"
What girls want:
1) Find a perfect boyfriend.
2) Date that perfect someone.
3)Wait for him to propose to her.
4) Get married and have you own family
Only in the darkness , you are able to see the stars. - Martin Luther King
Sandy: "...land on your bottom."
Spongebob: "Like this?"
Patrick: "No, your other bottom"
Sandy: "Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?"
Patrick: "Nope. Not until 4..."
Make-up can make you look pretty on the outside, but it can't help if you are ugly on the inside...
Men are born between a woman's legs. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in-between them.
Why?
Because there is no place like home...
Boy: Want to hear a joke about my cock? Actually never mind, its to long.
Girl: Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Actually never mind, you wont get it :)
**** I hate when this happens #69 ****
The awkward moment when you get a boner in school and the desk lifts up and flips over...
Dear girls,
you complain about us playing COD. You make silly pages about the 'perfect' boy. You act as if we're complete anal holes. When, we're not. We want to be loved, just like you do. We want the perfect girl, just as much as you. And if you're that upset about us not making an effort with you because we'd rather play COD, YOU make the effort for once and come play COD with us. Don't act as if we're the bad ones all the time, there takes two to make a relationship.
Sincerely, boys.
Millionaires, If you haven't got trampolines as floors and a giant slide from your bed to your swimming pool, then give me your money because you are wasting it.
*** I Always Do This ****
Whenever I get out of a hot bath and it's a cold night, I stand and look at my self in the mirror and pretend that i'm a radioactive super hero!
**** At The MTV Music Awards ****
Host: ...and the greatest white rapper of all time is Emin....
Kanye West: Im sorry but I believe Dr Seuss is the greatest white rapper of all time....
Come on girls lets face it. At some point in our lives, whether it's at school or just generally, we have all tried to keep a diary and failed... miserably...
That awkward moment when your going through a MINGERS photos and you see loads of comments from her friends saying "stunning bbz" and "your such a stunner"